This post comes to you during a really difficult time for me. Things are hard. Stressful. Deflating. There are things HAPPENING that I wish I could come to grips with, but can’t. There are things that I’ve kept bottled inside for so long, it’s like a toxic position slowly killing away all the happy. Could it be because work and kids and LIFE just all around are not in my favor? Probably. It just feels like everything is unraveling at a rapid pace. And it’s hard to write a wholly positive post; which was my intention when the idea popped into my head.
Those uplifting words and I wanted to post are just not coming to me. Not that what I have to say is negative, per se. It’s not meant to be negative. It’s a confession post. A compilation of things that could, did, and do put a wedge in my friendships, why I’ve walked away from some of them knowing it’s the best thing for me to do, and why I don’t talk to some that may not deserve my silence. In a sense, it’s to help me let things go.
My friends have always been important to me, obviously. Is that even a statement I need to make? They are my family. They are the duct tape that holds me together when I start to fall apart. (I would say glue, but duct tape fixes everything.) Time differences, different states or countries be damned (most times). Just knowing that someone is THERE is the best feeling in the world.
But it’s easy for things to start to fall apart. It could be one small thing, many small things or one large thing that just puts a wedge between us. Below are my confessions to my friends. The ones who I may not talk to anymore. Or ones who I haven’t talked to in a while. Even my current friends, you may learn more about me here then you ever will.
I’ve always been the “devil’s advocate” the “one with all the truth.” When someone needs me, I am there to listen. I am there with different views, and the back bone to tell you when you are out of line and/or wrong. This is why so many people, not just friends, come to me when they have a problem. It’s not bragging, it’s the truth. Maybe this is unconventional of me, since your girlfriends are supposed to have your back, always. But there are times when I know I am out of line and need someone to just TELL ME. So when a friend tells me that I am “right” or, not out of line or character, when looking back it’s clear that I am, it makes me pause. HELP ME GROW. You don’t have to be the good guy all the time. Sometimes, what we need is a swift kick in the A.
That’s not say that I walked away from friendships because someone was there for me, I haven’t.. But it makes me think about honesty, and if the person I am confiding in is being honest WITH ME.
When you find people who you trust and start to open up to, it’s one of the best things about developing a friendship. You are getting to know one other; the controversial stuff that you just can’t say publicly (for whatever reason) and all those pet peeves, irritating tics and the like are something you SHARE. Not to mention your shared love for coffee mugs, football and candy. You don’t like it when people chew with their mouth open? ME EITHER! *high-five* We have so much in common!
But then. We start to open up about other people. “This person annoys me.” or “That person is always so rude.” or, “can you BELIEVE what s/he said?!” I have no issues with gossip. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend how you feel about someone else. We don’t like everyone, we don’t HAVE to like everyone. We get irritated, offended or upset by what people say, and that’s OKAY. We have opinions and feelings and it’s OKAY to vent about those. But don’t tell me you dislike someone because you know I don’t. Don’t tell me you “can’t stand someone” when you are obviously, friends. Actions speak louder than words. So, are you lying? Are playing nice to save face? Or are you just two-faced? Either one, makes me NOT want to trust you. And then you up the ante and tell me things that someone confided in you. I stop to think – if you are telling me this, what are you telling other people about me? How can I trust you? (This has happened recently.)
We all have many opinions, views, thoughts and everything that we share. Majority of the time, we have the same thoughts because, hello! we have things in common, which is why we are friends to begin with. But there may come a time when we don’t agree. And we may argue over it. And it may become a permanent wedge because neither one of us will LET IT GO or put it behind us. Yet, I feel like I am the open one, as I’m sure you do. I understand your view yet you don’t get mine, as I’m sure you do. You call me narrow-minded. You call ME judgmental. And the one thing that goes through my mind is, “are you talking to a mirror?”
It’s okay to disagree. A good debate, different views and different backgrounds can bring so much to a friendship. It’s healthy to debate, to even argue sometimes. But when my opinions are brushed aside, or if I ever feel that I can’t say how I really feel because it CAN cause a fight, it’s an issue. We shouldn’t have to hold back. We shouldn’t have to censor ourselves. I should be able to tell you how I feel without fear. You should too.
Along with opinions we have values. Things that, no matter how you look at it, it’s just not right in our eyes. So when you call/text to tell me you are splitting up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/wife/husband because s/he cheated on you, I will damn sure ask about those people you were hanging around, or that one time things got “carried away and just happened.” I’ll even ask you why you feel that it’s okay to cheat but not to be cheated ON. I give no fucks. Get mad. Don’t bring your double standards to my door. I will keep your secret, because it’s not IN ME to tell. But I sure as hell will won’t hold back with you, either.
My family comes first. I support you and your decision to not get married. Or if you do. I support you and your decision to not have kids, or if you do.. But do NOT sit in my house, and tell me that I’ve wasted so much of my life having kids so young. Do NOT tell me that I’m not fun to hang around or talk to because all I talk about is my family. But it’s MY FAMILY. YOU are my family. I want to share those things with you. I want you to be apart of everything. So imagine how it makes one feel that you don’t want to be a part of that.
I moved away and there’s more than miles between us. It’s not that WE aren’t strong enough. It’s hard to talk to you every day on the phone, knowing I can’t come over and you can’t come over for Friday morning coffee. It’s hard not actually BEING THERE for you when you need me. I wonder who is picking up the kids from school. I wonder who is doing Grey’s Anatomy night with you. I wonder who will be there for you, if it’s not me. It’s hard knowing that I will be replaced. Sometimes, life gets in the way and picking up the phone is THE HARDEST thing to do. I think about you all the time. I just don’t know how to pick up where we left off.
So maybe I’m a horrible person. Maybe I’m not a good friend. Maybe I’m selfish and NOT strong enough. Maybe I expect too much from the people I hold close and it’s just easier to walk away when things get rough, or to not talk about our differences and get over it. Maybe you needed me to lie and tell you things would be okay or you needed me to call you on Friday morning’s instead of you coming over. And if that is the case, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry for the pain, heartache and stress I may have caused. But I did care. I DO care. And I miss you everyday.
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